(Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash)

2.5 min read

Children: a source of pride and joy, and a reason for living!  They can also trigger the good, bad and ugly memories from your own childhood, unexpectedly throwing you from relative calm into utter chaos.  When I first became a new mum, I went from a zen-like existence full of hopes, dreams and yoga, to being a stressed-out, anxious and self-critical over-functioner - almost overnight!  Becoming a parent for the first time essentially changes your whole identity and sense of self, so it should come as no surprise that new parents may experience a period of emotional instability, possibly adding stress to their relationship with each other.  That’s the part that isn’t covered in the pre-natal classes and the baby manuals but is all too familiar in the therapy room.  If you are reading this as an expectant or new parent, don’t worry, it does get better.  More importantly, you can empower yourselves to make things better through self-care.  And I can’t emphasize enough, it doesn’t make you crazy or a bad parent if raising children sometimes brings up feelings of sadness, overwhelm, guilt, shame, anger, disappointment, frustration, self-loathing, or a multitude of emotions that stop you from connecting with your child(ren) the way you would like to. 

The stress of parenting can also manifest in ways that are seemingly unconnected.  When our first child was born, my husband developed chronic eczema on his hands.  He tried all sorts of topical treatments and examined his diet for possible aggravators; eventually, the only thing that worked was his first dose of psychotherapy with an EMDR specialist.  Another important thing to consider is that it does not have to be a major traumatic event from the past that throws you off kilter; something relatively minor such as that momentary fear of abandonment from being the last kid collected from school can leave emotional scars if they are repeated enough and perceived as a pattern of behaviour.

For me, besides the initial shock of becoming a parent, the next big emotional challenge was when my eldest child entered adolescence with all the trappings that come with that.  I found her mood swings so infuriating, and I would find myself retaliating instead of showing understanding.  Fortunately, this period coincided with my training as a therapist, and I did a lot of personal work around my lack of acceptance of my own adolescent self.  Things got SO much better once I was able to join the dots, and I was finally able to empathise with my struggling teen.

If you would like some help joining the dots, let’s talk.  Your family will love you for it.