(Photo by Simon Lee on Unsplash)

2 minute read

When I was a considerably younger version of my adult self, I had what you might call a spiritual experience, where I came to the realisation that my purpose in life was to put things back together that were broken.  In that moment of clarity, I knew in my heart that the “things” that concerned me were relating to human suffering. 

The Japanese art of Kintsugi encapsulates what I had visualised in that moment.  It is an ancient technique used to repair broken pottery.  Instead of discarding the broken pieces, they would be reassembled and bonded together using a gold-infused compound.  The result would be a unique piece of art, arguably more beautiful than it was before.  Thus, it can be seen as a metaphor for healing from trauma. 

Difficult and traumatic life experiences may leave us feeling broken and flawed.  But just like the broken pieces of pottery, it is possible for us to regenerate into a new version of ourselves, stronger than before.  It can be hard to believe this when we are in the midst of crisis or a traumatic life event, particularly if we are finding it hard to accept what happened to us.  But over time, and by aiming to turn pain into purpose and meaning, we might finally see the threads of gold woven into our life stories. 

The same can be true of healing relationships.  Even the happiest of relationships are not harmonious all the time.  As a psychologist, I would be deeply suspicious if they were!  Whether consciously or not, we have the tendency to offload our emotional baggage onto our loved ones, because those are the very people with whom we feel safest to show our darker sides.  We may be testing if they will still love us despite our perceived flaws.  Occasional ruptures are inevitable; what is more important is how that rupture is repaired.  In a calmer moment, are we able to reflect on what happened, take ownership of our emotional states that led to the conflict and make a confession in our apology?  And when we next come up against friction, can we then see it as a potential opportunity for growth before it becomes a big conflict?  When we learn how to do this in relationship, the bond between us and our loved ones can be stronger and our relationship more beautiful than ever.